Seeing the light
I have a confession to make.
I get very anxious when I see red neon lights. I'm talking "sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, I have to get the hell away from here" kind of anxious. I hide it really well, in fact no one in my day to day existence would know that I have this reaction to somthing so mundane. The funny thing is its almost as base as a Pavlovian dog kind of reaction, there's little concious thought involved. Whenever I go to the gas station to fill up I pull into the pump facing away from the storefront and its bright neon light advertising coffee. Seeing the stupid "Hot Donuts Now" sign at Krispy Kreme bothers me even as we cruise by.
Sounds like I might need to check in to Bellevue, no?
I do know where it stems from, but I don't know how to make the anxiety associated with it go away. In October of last year, after a particulary bad few days of HG-ing, I was sent back to the emergency room and tanked up with fluids, anti-emetics, potassium, and antibiotics. I was finally discharged in the wee hours of the morning and Himself and I got in the car. Amazingly I felt hungry so I pleaded with Himself to drive to Steak and Shake. We went in and ordered milkshakes. I sat down and timidly began sipping and then a few moments later began to drink with gusto. Moments later, I was running to the bathroom.
I threw up as soon as I pushed open the door to the ladies room. Then I threw up all over the mirror as I was trying to wipe off my shirt. Next thing I knew I felt my stomach began to cramp and the Macrobid they had given me for the bladder infection took over. Within minutes I was laying on the nasty bathroom floor of a Steak and Shake and throwing up blood all over myself. I kept trying to get up and couldn't. Quite a bit of time must have passed because Himself knocked on the door to the ladies room and when I didn't respond he came in to find me in a pool of vomit, blood and other unpleasantness. He carried me out into the dining area and all I could see were the glaring neon lights that lined the perimeter of the restaurant. That redness for some reason made me feel even more ill. I then puked all over the manager's shoes who had come to see what the commotion was.
Somehow Himself got me to the car and began speeding home. We had to pull off at a gas station where I rushed in and sat on the toilet in the most disgusting bathroom with a trash can on my lap. I must have been in there for a good 45 minutes before exiting. As soon as I stumbled out, I saw a red neon light proclaiming that the store was open for business and the puking started all over again. By 7am I was readmitted and kept for a week. Later that day I learned that its not uncommon for HGers to have a color/light sensitivity.
My anxiety doesn't stop with red neon lights.
After being isolated for so long, I have found that I seem to be uncomfortable around other people. Even now - almost a year later. I feel as if I don't know how to relate to others. I quit blogging. I quit talking on the phone. I quit going anywhere actually.
Just in the past month or so I have begun to feel like physically I am getting back to normal. After fighting a long term staph infection (I'll go into this more in an upcoming post) and dealing with other ramifications of HG stuff that I didn't anticipate I feel like its time to work on the mental piece. I haven't gone back to work since losing my job, so I am trying to figure out what I want to do with myself.
To that end I have made a New Year's Resolution to get out of my house and reconnect. Today I forced myself to go to a Mom's lunch get together. It took me 20 minutes to get out of my house; I kept telling myself that I should just stay home. I have no idea why I am so anxious about meeting other people all of a sudden; I used to be so outgoing. I had to call Himself from the parking lot of the restaurant today to give me a pep talk to go in. How lame is that?
I did go in and meet these women and they were very kind. I just still felt out of touch. I'm not really sure how to relate. Perhaps I am being a victim but its hard to talk about babies and having more and all that. I always knew that infertility was isolating - dividing folks into separate camps - but I wasn't prepared for that to continue even after Leah Catherine arrived. I am proud though that I did finally go and meet other moms and I keep promising myself that I will conquer these fears...neon lights included.
