Seeing the light

I have a confession to make.

I get very anxious when I see red neon lights.  I'm talking "sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, I have to get the hell away from here" kind of anxious.  I hide it really well, in fact no one in my day to day existence would know that I have this reaction to somthing so mundane. The funny thing is its almost as base as a Pavlovian dog kind of reaction, there's little concious thought involved.  Whenever I go to the gas station to fill up I pull into the pump facing away from the storefront and its bright neon light advertising coffee.  Seeing the stupid "Hot Donuts Now" sign at Krispy Kreme bothers me even as we cruise by.

Sounds like I might need to check in to Bellevue, no?

I do know where it stems from, but I don't know how to make the anxiety associated with it go away. In October of last year, after a particulary bad few days of HG-ing, I was sent back to the emergency room and tanked up with fluids, anti-emetics, potassium, and antibiotics.  I was finally discharged in the wee hours of the morning and Himself and I got in the car.  Amazingly I felt hungry so I pleaded with Himself to drive to Steak and Shake.  We went in and ordered milkshakes.  I sat down and timidly began sipping and then a few moments later began to drink with gusto.  Moments later, I was running to the bathroom.

I threw up as soon as I pushed open the door to the ladies room.  Then I threw up all over the mirror as I was trying to wipe off my shirt.  Next thing I knew I felt my stomach began to cramp and the Macrobid they had given me for the bladder infection took over.  Within minutes I was laying on the nasty bathroom floor of a Steak and Shake and throwing up blood all over myself.  I kept trying to get up and couldn't.  Quite a bit of time must have passed because Himself knocked on the door to the ladies room and when I didn't respond he came in to find me in a pool of vomit, blood and other unpleasantness.  He carried me out into the dining area and all I could see were the glaring neon lights that lined the perimeter of the restaurant.  That redness for some reason made me feel even more ill.  I then puked all over the manager's shoes who had come to see what the commotion was. 

Somehow Himself got me to the car and began speeding home.  We had to pull off at a gas station where I rushed in and sat on the toilet in the most disgusting bathroom with a trash can on my lap.  I must have been in there for a good 45 minutes before exiting.  As soon as I stumbled out, I saw a red neon light proclaiming that the store was open for business and the puking started all over again.  By 7am I was readmitted and kept for a week.  Later that day I learned that its not uncommon for HGers to have a color/light sensitivity.

My anxiety doesn't stop with red neon lights. 

After being isolated for so long, I have found that I seem to be uncomfortable around other people.  Even now - almost a year later.  I feel as if I don't know how to relate to others. I quit blogging. I quit talking on the phone.  I quit going anywhere actually.

Just in the past month or so I have begun to feel like physically I am getting back to normal.  After fighting a long term staph infection (I'll go into this more in an upcoming post) and dealing with other ramifications of HG stuff that I didn't anticipate I feel like its time to work on the mental piece.  I haven't gone back to work since losing my job, so I am trying to figure out what I want to do with myself. 

To that end I have made a New Year's Resolution to get out of my house and reconnect.  Today I forced myself to go to a Mom's lunch get together.  It took me 20 minutes to get out of my house; I kept telling myself that I should just stay home.  I have no idea why I am so anxious about meeting other people all of a sudden; I used to be so outgoing.  I had to call Himself from the parking lot of the restaurant today to give me a pep talk to go in.  How lame is that? 

I did go in and meet these women and they were very kind.  I just still felt out of touch.  I'm not really sure how to relate.  Perhaps I am being a victim but its hard to talk about babies and having more and all that.  I always knew that infertility was isolating - dividing folks into separate camps - but I wasn't prepared for that to continue even after Leah Catherine arrived.  I am proud though that I did finally go and meet other moms and I keep promising myself that I will conquer these fears...neon lights included.

Comments

[Flicka]

You've been through a lot, Beth. What you're experiencing isn't lame or stupid or even irrational. It sounds a lot like PTSD, actually. I'm proud of you for going to the mom's luncheon and I'm thrilled to death to see you blogging again. Baby steps. You're going to be okay again, it will just take time.

xo

[Rachel Inbar]

Gosh, I didn't go through anything and I have trouble going to mom & baby groups (in fact, I've only gone once)... Now that you've written it, it makes perfect sense that you've been traumatized. You took it so well when it was going on (or so it seemed) that it's gotta come out sometime.

Don't misunderstand me, because I don't think there's anything wrong with *you*, but perhaps some professional help could really make a difference in a short time. You deserve to have your old self back.

[Kath]

Dear Beth, that scene was so awful my palms started sweating, and I was just reading about it. How utterly traumatic it (and many others) must have been to go through. Perhaps my analogy is way off, but it sounds as if you've been to war, seen unspeakable horrors there, and are now returned home and expected to go about your daily life as if nothing has happened. And like many veterans have found, it's not possible -- a gulf separates you from those who haven't experienced an inkling of what you have. So it's sad, but not at all surprising or "lame", that you've had such a hard, anxious time this past year. I'm so very sorry about that.

It's good to hear that you're starting to get better now. And it's good to have you back, my dear.

[Feebee]

Very glad to have you back too.

[silver]

The second part of your post sounds like depression. Perhaps PPD? I'm sorry things are so rough on you. I don't have anything useful to say, because it would probably all be ass-vice anyway. But I am glad to see you posting again.

[TeamWinks]

It sounds damn near impossible to not have some issues to deal with after events like that! I hope you find a way to conquer all that ails you. You deserve to feel 100%!

[MoMo]

You have been through so much the last year--and I can't even imagine how isolating it felt. I am so sorry that you had to go throug all that-but I hope that everyday will get better and it is nice to see you blogging again and going out and meeting new people. Hang in there...as Flicka said-baby steps, you will get there.

[electriclady]

I'm proud of you too. After BG was born, after 4 months of bed rest and isolation (and nowhere near the physical trauma you endured), I too was terrified to leave the house, even to go to the store. I kept ordering everything online like I'd done while on bedrest. My doula had to force me to strap on the baby and go for a walk. I didn't know how to have a normal conversation with anyone and when I met other moms I felt awkward and talked too much, too loudly. I was forced to interact with people again because I had to go back to work. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, especially with the lingering physical effects you allude to.

You have been to hell and back, and it would be weird if you DIDN'T have at least a little PTSD after all that. But every baby step is a good thing. And don't forget, you have all of us too. At the very least, we won't be asking you when you're planning to have another one.

[PiquantMolly (AKA Mollywogger)]

You're a brave woman, and I'm proud of you for challenging yourself. I can't imagine it NOT being hard to get back to your normal self after the hell you've been through.

We're all here to help you. Let us know when you need us.

[beagle]

People don't even understand the pain of infertility while you are childless, and I can imagine the gap widens even more once you have a child because for the whole rest of the world, baby = problem solved! Right? But the trauma must stay with you. It must.

I'm assuming at this point that I may be bitter for the duration. And scared, and inclined to expect the worst . . .

It changes you.

But you are fighting back and reclaiming your right to be happy. You'll do this. Look what you've already done!

[Motel Manager]

You have been through so much that it is very understandable that it will linger. My HG was a walk in the park compared to yours (and it cleared up by 27 weeks), but infertility + HG really does leave you with a different worldview than your average healthy fertile woman. It has taken me a long time to shake the feeling that something bad is always destined to happen when it comes to anything child-related.

I don't have experience with PTSD, but I do have experience with depression, and for me forcing myself to reconnect with people is a key component of fixing it and/or staving it off. It can be hard at first, though, and I'm sure it's even more so when you've gone through so much trauma.

I hope you keep blogging!

[Mandy]

Oh, Beth!

I'm so glad to see that you had posted. I've missed you tremendously and have worried about how you're doing.

So much of what you say, I can relate to. I have anxiety issues now too about going out and meeting with people. Part of it is that I physically hate to get ready. After trying to shower, get dressed and make myself presentable when sick it makes my stomach hurt to do it now. And I'm not the wash-and-go type, unfortunately. I struggle with Mom's groups too. I've found one here that I really like the girls but so many of them don't get it--there is one that does, bless her heart. They talk about how much they enjoyed being pregnant and how they can't wait for their next one. They got pregnant easily and had few complications during pregnancy. I feel as though they think I'm "quitting" or "giving up" because I'm too scared to have another.

My midwife has encouraged me (even at my yearly in December) to continuously watch for signs of depression because of what I went through with the HG. She said that I would be increasingly susceptible because of the infertility issues and miscarriages that I experienced beforehand. I'm going to be an asshat for a minute, but I agree that maybe you need to talk to someone about it. Whether that's Himself, a fellow HG'er, the blogging community, personal friends or a professional is up to you. But it sounds like there are aspects that need to be worked through.

Huge hugs to you. Sucks that life still isn't the way we hoped after all we've endured, doesn't it?

[thalia]

Good to hear from you, but boy have you had a tough time, I didn't know it had continue to be so hard, although I supposed i shouldn't be surprised. Keep taking those baby steps, it's all you can expect of yourself.

[My Reality]

I hope you find peace with all of this. You have been through hell and back and even had the flashing red lights to prove it. You will heal, in time. I hope you will keep blogging, as I have thought of you often.

Don't be hard on yourself, you have to take things one step at a time. It sounds like you are doing just that, and that is great.

[Sara]

When you didn't post for so long, I was hoping that you and LC had gone toddling off happily into the sunset together, but I suppose that was unrealistic. I'm so sorry to hear that the months after the birth have been as hard in some ways as the months before. In hindsight, it seems obvious that nobody could endure so much without mental injury. I'm glad that you're calling it what it is (PTSD), and taking steps to cope with it. I can imagine that it's hard to relate to just about anyone these days, since so few people have had to deal with the double-whammy of IF and severe HG. I hope that as time goes on, and as those baby steps get bigger, it all gets easier. Until then, I'm glad that you're inviting us to give you a little cyber-support along the way.

[StillaMomma]

Dude, I'm so glad you're back. Where's my sling? :) heheh

Good to read you again. We're still here.

[fisherqueen]

I'm glad to see you're back too. I came down with terrible anxiety when the Bear was about 4 mos old. It really did feel like PTSD, I know what you're saying. I went on meds and life is much, much better. I don't mean to be an asshat either but it might be something to think about.

[Jen202]

I'm so glad to see your posting again. I think it's hard for many people going through IF to feel like they fit in, let alone throw in all the complications from HG. You really went through so much, and it you will never forget what it was like, but hopefully it will lessen as time goes on. LC is so beautiful!

[Heather]

It is so nice to have you back! I've been checking in on you occasionally. (FQ..miss you too!)

I have no advice for you, but I wish you and your little sweetie (I remember when she was born, she had strawberry hair just like my little one who was born right before LC)the very best. I know my emotional scars from IF have started to fade a bit, I hope you feel better real soon. We are all here for you!

[Ruta]

I'm so glad you're back! I also had severe HG (and preeclampsia) in the pregnancy that resulted in my now 22 month old daughter after 4 previous pregnancy losses, and I often find that your blog hits just the points that I am thinking about... I, too, am still experiencing a host of after-effects of the HG, my weirdest (and funniest) being that I vomit (still!) almost every time I see a KFC commercial...it is something about the food, the colors, and the song they play behind it (Sweet Home Alabama). Even hearing the opening of the song on the radio makes me break out in a cold sweat...

[Amy]

I just have to say that I am sooooo glad you are back! I'm glad you are recovering and I'm even happier that you are finally a mom:)

PS- Mommy/baby groups are worse than high school, hang in there, it does get better!

[louise]

I am glad you are back and sharing your experiences!!!!

[becky]

oh beth honey i'm SO glad to see you blogging again! you went through a lot to get where you are, it's not something i'd expect you to get over with the birth of your dd. give yourself time, work on you, and above all else enjoy every minute with that sweet baby girl of yours!

it's SO good to have you back!!

[allison]

I stopped my blog. So there's no URL to give. But I lurked a bit when you were pregnant, and used to read some of your posts to my husband. I too, had hyperemesis, with 2 of my pregnancies. The other two were just really awful, but better controlled by meds. We didn't suffer any of the infertility you did, we now have 4 children, the youngest right at L.C.'s age (I sound like a moron, huh, to have done that more than once). My tubes are now tied. What am I rambling about? Just that I think the comments about post suffering are pretty accurate. At least, I understand that thought. After my first HE preg., I did eventually end up on antidepressants with severe postpartum depression, compounded by the fact that I ended up in a second, very unwanted c-section, after 3 days of labor from hell.

It just seemed everyone could gush about their love of their experiences, and I simply could not. That in itself made me angry, sad. Or, someone would say, "oh I threw up all the time too, and it was soooo hard to get to work", and then I knew they didn't get it at all. People not understanding was isolating. People thinking they got it, when they didn't pissed me off. People thinking I could just suck it up more infuriated me. People who started asking me when we'd have more sent me through the roof. And then it seemed that, between all those idiots, there were very few people left, during or after, that were worth talking to. Especially with all the effort it takes to get out with small children. So I stayed in. A lot. And I do think that compounded things, but it was all I could do.

I guess all this rambling is to say that some stranger (that would be me), just wanted to say hi, and blessings on continued healing. It does get better, for me, with counseling and medication. But really, as dumb as it may sound, I still grieve the horrible illness some, and also the 4 sections I ended up having. I know what people say...be thankful, you have healthy children. But I can't help but feel I really also wanted the pregnancies I dreamed of, for years. And the births, and feel somehow cheated. And now that part of my life is over. So sometimes, it's a bit sad to me. And surely, any infertile reading this would possibly, likely, spit in my eye for my begrudging anything about the fact that we do indeed, have any children at all. But I can only deal with what my experiences are. And I still wish they could have been different.

I hope your reconnecting with your blogging friends helps, and thanks for letting me ramble on.

Again, blessings.

[heather]

oh i'm so glad you're back and open again!! we were pg at the same time and we crossed paths on bbc a couple of times. i can't imagine how you got through all of that and i agree that it must be something like ptsd if not that for sure. baby steps are good...welcome back to the blogging world and feel free to email me if you need to vent to a random stranger who has a dd the same age.